Date:	11:53pm May 21st, 2012
Subject:	nice
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

Song lyrics of the day brought to you by No Doubt:
"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?"

Who started this, anyway? Who are these good girls, and why are they giving the rest of us a bad rap? And leading guys to say "yeah right!" when I say that some girls want nice boys. Popularizing the "nice guys finish last" sentiment. letting guys take being called "nice" as not a complement, but a sign that they have no chance.

No. stop it, already. this good girl does not like bad boys. i like nice boys. boys who lead bible study small groups. and go on mission trips. and are on the prayer ministry team. and attend the church's leadership institute. and you know... also guys who like being active and taking care of their bodies - like runners. and do races for good causes that i really care about - like breast cancer and human trafficking. and like the outdoors. and like to read. and have smiles that make your heart melt. boys who you would use the word "cute" to describe. not that, um, i'm describing anyone in particular, of course. just, in general. i would theoretically like such a boy =)

Date:	12:17am May 20th, 2012
Subject:	pickle busting
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

last weekend i had lunch with Sarah. it was wonderful, as usual. she asked me how something was going and i got into this story and was explaining what was bothering me, and found myself crying. now, me crying while talking to Sarah is not uncommon at all (i kind of feel like she has seen me cry more than any other cbus friend, for some reason). but i wasn't particularly expecting to cry, because i hadn't cried before when talking about this to anyone else. then i realized - i hadn't talked about this with anyone else. not a soul. this significant thing in my life that was causing me distress. i had held it all in. why? this goes back my "in a pickle" post i made over a month ago. i was tired of bringing my hurt to people, then having them hurt me. i started turning inward because it was becoming too difficult to share. this is not the person i usually am. or want to be. but the past several months had more of a toll on me than i realized. at some point it just became the norm for me to not share. but i want to fix that.

and maybe it starts with sarah. as we wrapped up our leisurely lunch and she eagerly started talking about scheduling our next lunch date, i thought to myself, why would i think she wouldn't have time for me? she will always have time for me. even though she is planning a wedding. she's not the kind of person who lets that stuff consume her.

so i continued my openness/vulnerability trend on Sunday. i told Josh how i was feeling about the whole worship thing. well, i haven't really written here the negative aspect of it. i started crying, of course. this was sort of part 2 of the conversation i'd had with matt a while back (see same in a pickle post). but it was the first time i'd talked about it since then. and the first time i'd talked to josh about it. talking about things, and crying about things, makes me feel better. just to not be holding it anymore.

i've realized a couple things about myself. most of my problems can be solved/alleviated by more sleep, and by talking about them. the times when i go long periods without both, are when you start seeing me make ridiculous blog posts. i want to feel like i trust my friends again. but apparently i have to re-learn this. =/

Date:	11:53pm May 7th, 2012
Subject:	karma
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased

I don't know that I actually believe in Karma, per se. But this weekend felt a lot like i was being rewarded for being good. Which is nice =)

First thing Saturday morning, Beth, Joel and I went downtown to cheer for our friends and other random people running Cap City. Ended up staying for 90 mins, cheering, yelling, high-5-ing and amusing people with our signs. I knew that doing so was a service, and a huge encouragement to other people. I knew that because it has been so to me every time i've been on the other side. but i feel like i got my own reward just seeing the looks on people's faces and the thank yous. my energy level was up with all the hollers and high-5s coming my way. i was having so much fun and was so touched by the gratitude that it felt like nothing hard, what i was doing. not that it is "hard," but it was 90 mins out of my super-busy day, and i ended up with a sore hand and hoarse voice =)

Then i went to my mechanic to get an oil change and a new brake light. he gave me a discount and when i asked why, he said 'for the kind words.' apparently a bunch of new people had been coming in and mentioning my 5 star review i gave them in yelp. i thought that was awesome. social media ftw!

Then after a little present shopping i went to my stylist to get a touch up and trim. first of all, she straightened it on monday completely free, as a thank you to me for my kindness when she was off work for shoulder surgery. apparently i was the only one to visit her. i also brought her a gift and took her to a party. anyway. so i text her tuesday that my hair is already getting frazzled and she said i could come in for a touch up and trim. we played phone tag and i never actually got her, so i just showed up saturday, not expecting much. they took me, even though i had no appointment. and they were super crazy busy. and she didn't charge me anything, again. win.

sunday night at the end of the service i went up to go pray for people. which i typically do, but i had considered not doing so yesterday. so i pray for this girl, who i saw a lot of me in. me back in late dec/early jan. anyway, i already got my reward from that in just her response to me. at least a couple things i said to her really helped. be it touched, or be it weak, she gave me a very long hug afterwards. it made me feel so happy to be a part of The Body. that God was using me. so i stayed a while and chatted with her. then when i finally went back to my seat, as i left the altar i ran into someone who i have been trying to run into for weeks. so i finally got to talk to them for being in that particular spot at that time. and it was really good. other than just getting to talk to them, i found out something that is going to make me less anxious for this whole week. anyway, i kind of felt that that was part of my reward for deciding to go pray for this girl, and staying after to talk.

maybe it's all coincidence. which is fine. it just feels nice to have nice things happen to me. i would give, regardless. "being nice" is part of who i am, i guess. but receiving... is nice too =)

Date:	11:27pm May 4th, 2012
Subject:	Call Ming Berries
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

Stass was one day telling me about a conversation between her and a coworker. One of them was being particularly worried/anxious/high strung and needed to calm down. One of the two suggested that the worried one needed to take some "calming berries." It was just what they referred to some certain kind of berry as, because it seemed to calm them down. The other misheard and thought the suggestion was to "Call Ming Berries." Who was Ming Berries, and how was he going to help the situation? They both had a laugh about it, and for a while Stass would say she needed to call Ming Berries, when she meant she needed to calm down. I think of it from time to time when i need to do the same.


Having a weird day. Weird week? There are several things going on right now that i don't understand. My chest feels tight right now. like i just need to calm down. but i'm worked up. i feel like i'm in a season again where i'm having several frustrating interactions with people. a mini version of what i felt a few months ago. but this time there is more apathy. because i tell myself i can't worry about it. i feel like letting things fall apart, if that's what they're going to do. they probably won't for the most part. but caring about certain things is becoming harder. this maybe goes along with my general lack of motivation lately. reading these words as they come out seems a little depressing. like, why are you sounding like that, Kayre?

I need a break. i want so much just to go away for a while. vacation from life. by myself. instead, i will try to get some sleep. prepare for a full day tomorrow, and a crazy week at work next week. and let the things in my personal life that are getting to me... let them be. not because they're bothering me and i'm giving up on them, but because i have a true peace about them.

Lyrics of the day brought to you by Rich Mullins:
"Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

Date:	11:32pm April 24th, 2012
Subject:	learning is fun-damental
Security:	Public
Mood:	smitten

i feel like i've been learning a lot about myself recently. i don't know why... i don't think i'm being particularly introspective. i mean, i'm always introspective, but i don't think i'm being more so than usual =)

recently i've:
- figured out the reason behind why people not responding to my emails is one of my biggest pet peeves
- discovered that i hadn't internalized the concept of grace as it applies from person to person, as much as i thought i had
- surmised that my "strength" of my persistence, determination, never giving up, etc, is conducive to holding on to things, and not helpful for my "weakness" of struggling to let things go
- realized that i can't talk to boys (who i'm not friends with)

this is all new for me.

interesting ride, this life thing =)

Date:	10:57pm April 17th, 2012
Subject:	being away
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

so i'm out of town all this week and next for work. at first i was really upset. i have to miss motion twice, in the last 2 weeks before my half marathon. i have to miss my small group twice (which is the best part of my week). i had to cancel babysitting emily. i had to cancel dinner with gloria, which has been on my calendar for a month. i have to miss the Devotions class at church, which has been on my calendar for several months, and they won't offer again for several more. hate being out of town during the week.

but even though i don't get to do all the things i want to, it means i'm forced to have down time. which probably wouldn't happen if i were in columbus. so i'm resting. resting is good.

in other news, i had a really good run tonight. i just felt good the whole time. had a lot of energy. each stride just came easy. i love days like this and hope my half marathon is like this (and for my running buddies too!)

in other, other news... really digging adele right now.

Date:	12:10am April 6th, 2012
Subject:	on love and worship
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

Lyrics of the day brought to you by Matt Redman:
"And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus"

Been thinking a lot about worship recently. I won't go into it all. but i've been trying to do it more. i taught on it at Bible study last week, and i asked people to define it. Matt called it a response. it's been my response. to everything. and that's the way i want it to be. i'm just trying to do it right. and part of doing it right means not being concerned about doing it "right."  A song in itself is not what you have required. i was playing this song tonight and it's really just my prayer. i just want to bring something that's of worth. to bless him.

anyway. the other thing i've been thinking about a lot lately is love. it's related. worshiping is loving God. i'm also trying to love people. you can look at love as a response... but we can't always look at it as a response to how we are loved or not loved. it's a response in the sense that i love because i was first loved by Him (1 John 4:19). but i find myself loving people, even if they don't love me. or don't show me that they do. or don't appear to appreciate how i'm loving them. or who have hurt me. and that's hard. and part of me feels just a little bit more empty when i do it. when i give more than i get. when i throw love in widening chasms. and then i remind myself that i don't love in order to be loved. "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5:46-48). God so loves the world. yet a large percentage of the world does not love him. it doesn't matter. it's a hard example to follow, but that's what i'm working on.

i was having a bit of a weak moment when i wrote my last post. but i'm working through it.

Additional Lyrics by Darrell Evans:
"His joy's gonna be my strength"

Date:	12:45am March 27th, 2012
Subject:	in a pickle
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

life has been... interesting, lately. i feel like for the last 3 months or so i've been falling apart. there have been certain things and people that have been keeping me together. but for the more recent part of this time period (i don't know... a month or so?) i feel like i've been holding back from people. partly because sometimes the people i go to for help, hurt me. the people who i want to keep me together, break me apart more. party because i've been so exhausted - physically and emotionally. partly because there is so much going on and it's so muddled, i don't even know what to bring to them. partly because i feel like everyone else is bringing their problems to me, i have nothing left in me to bring anything to anyone. partly because i feel like nobody understands... and other such teen angst sounding things i suppose. but largely because... i don't know. i don't know why. i've always been the bare-my-soul-to-my-friends type of person. so this is weird for me. maybe i'm just tired. tired of being vulnerable. i feel like it's all i do sometimes.

anyway. i've had this sneaking suspicion in the back of my head that i should address this before one day i just explode or break down or who knows what will happen. maybe just a slow deterioration over time. but i've been too tired. or too indifferent. i don't know. i hadn't gotten around to it yet. then last wednesday it happened. i got really frustrated about leading worship, and i was venting to matt about it, and out of nowhere i started crying hysterically. he asked me after if i had had a rough day at work. i think he realized my reaction was a little out of proportion with the issue being discussed. i told him i had a rough 3 months at life. but i think my mini-breakdown relieved some of the mounting pressure. it's like the dam burst through the crack in the wall being held for a while by duct tape. so he re-patched me for now, but it will build up again. it didn't all flow out.

perhaps this whole incident reminded me that this is real. my struggle. my falling apart. all the stuff i stopped talking about. which brings me back to the 'maybe i should talk about it' point... but to who? i feel like i don't have it in me to just talk to any of my friends at this point. anyone who's not going to get it. or not really listen. or make me hurt more by speaking at all. i think about the short list of friends i have who are really good listeners, or who i feel comfortable talking to about anything. one of them is getting over a major breakdown of their own and i feel like i don't want to burden them. one of them is too busy for me, to even return my emails or other communication. one of them is always busy and i guess i just perceive it would be too difficult to get enough time from them to commit to hearing all this... especially since they currently happen to know close to none of it. but i guess they could be an option - i've not tried. and then the final person... i feel like they would be very open and available and willing to listen and help me, and i've been tempted many a time to run crying to them. but a large part of me tells me that i shouldn't. that i should solve my problems outside of this particular person. because this person happens to be a boy. and happens to be one of the people who has hurt me recently. hurt me in the way only a boy can hurt a girl. i've forgiven him. and am just barely getting to the point where i've forgiven myself letting him hurt me. but i guess i've not gotten to the point where i trust that i can go to him as a friend in a healthy way and i'm not wanting to depend on him to be something more than he really is for me.

so that's my pickle right now. outside of these 4 people, i don't think i trust any of my other friends with my fragile state right now. but i guess i need to get up and risk someone breaking me instead of sitting in a corner til i self-destruct. i guess there is one other person i can think of, who i'd trust with myself. they are also pretty busy, and planning a wedding, and know close to none of what's going on too. i don't know. maybe these are excuses. i just don't know.

Date:	11:52pm March 8th, 2012
Subject:	resolutions
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

was thinking about my resolutions the other day. and that i'm doing a pretty good job. but it's pretty tiring to get in all the things i'm supposed to do each day. well, when you include the lent stuff. then i realized... gosh i'm only 2 months in =)

anyway. couple days ago I finished What Is My Cat Thinking?: The Essential Guide to Understanding Pet Behavior.

my first 5K is this sunday. not promising a sub-25. it's always hard to tell what the first race of the season will be like. especially since i'm kind of sort of sick...ish =)

Date:	1:35am March 2nd, 2012
Subject:	me and my guitar
Security:	Public
Mood:	sweetly broken

Lyrics of the day brought to you by Tim Dobbelman:
"What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's Your hand that holds my life
And Your love will lead me on
When all else is gone"

One of the things I'm doing for lent is daily worship. (yes, you give things up in lent, but you can also take things on). i decided to play this song today, because it encapsulates how i feel right now. i can't hope in anything else. i'm learning that. and re-learning that. it's hard. and whenever i've been butting up against something hard lately, i turn to my guitar. it's sort of my escape. forget everyone else. it's just me and my guitar. and by that i mean me and Jesus. that's all i play anyway. Jesus music.